current location: Purchase
Sounds of the Forest :: The Decemberists
I would write more often if it weren't so exhausting. Seeing as how most of my posts are private and for my eyes only, they get to be a bit long and ramble on. I can't help it. When I write,what I'm really thinking comes out. and that's not always a good thing. Actually, most of the time it's a very bad thing. Not because what I'm thinking is bad, just because not many people are into straight honesty. It can be too much for them. I know that from experience. And honestly, I feel like my stupid honesty is going to cost me the thing in my life that makes me happier than I've ever felt. So I shut up and keep my comments to myself. Ignore what I want to say and eventually it'll go away. Don't forget to smile while you do it. You get used to it after years of practice.
An update? Sure, I'll sum it up.
1. I have almost no idea what i want to be when I grow up. At this point I'm working off of what I think I'll be good at rather than what I would really like to do (because that list is just too fucking long) and also which will pay me more, and what I can do in NYC because the people I want to live with want to be in NYC, so I might as well work off of that. Despite the fact that I'm not really sure if I can handle living in NYC. Not because I don't want to. Just because of money and lack of job opportunities.
2. I'm becoming someone I don't really know. and at first it was nice, now it's kindof starting to freak me out. I'm giving up things that I want because I'm convinced it will ruin what I have now, and I won't be able to afford it. for example, traveling. If it were up to me, I would NOT live in the US, at least not for a long period of time. But I see myself getting tied down already and I'm not really sure if I'm ever going to really be able to get out. I've always wanted to travel, and when I finally did in 2004, it sparked something in me that I really can't ignore. So.... I think I'm going to Japan for the 2011 Spring semester.
3. I'm afraid of money. It actually scares me. Even if I have it, I'm nervous. Constantly. To the point where I can't sleep. because in my mind I will NEVER have enough. It scares the shit out of me to think that I'm never gonna pay off my debts. Ever. and I'm convinced of this. Completely. because all I ever think about is money. and how i don't have enough. Even when I do. I'm afraid to spend it, convinced that I'll never get more. Even spending a few dollars makes me nervous unless I know for sure that there's more already on the way.
I can't even keep going. No comments please.