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Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

An update? Sure, I'll sum it up.

April 25th, 2010 (06:49 pm)
current location: Purchase
Sounds of the Forest :: The Decemberists

I would write more often if it weren't so exhausting. Seeing as how most of my posts are private and for my eyes only, they get to be a bit long and ramble on. I can't help it. When I write,what I'm really thinking comes out. and that's not always a good thing. Actually, most of the time it's a very bad thing. Not because what I'm thinking is bad, just because not many people are into straight honesty. It can be too much for them. I know that from experience. And honestly, I feel like my stupid honesty is going to cost me the thing in my life that makes me happier than I've ever felt. So I shut up and keep my comments to myself. Ignore what I want to say and eventually it'll go away. Don't forget to smile while you do it. You get used to it after years of practice.

An update? Sure, I'll sum it up.

1. I have almost no idea what i want to be when I grow up. At this point I'm working off of what I think I'll be good at rather than what I would really like to do (because that list is just too fucking long) and also which will pay me more, and what I can do in NYC because the people I want to live with want to be in NYC, so I might as well work off of that. Despite the fact that I'm not really sure if I can handle living in NYC. Not because I don't want to. Just because of money and lack of job opportunities.

2. I'm becoming someone I don't really know. and at first it was nice, now it's kindof starting to freak me out. I'm giving up things that I want because I'm convinced it will ruin what I have now, and I won't be able to afford it. for example, traveling. If it were up to me, I would NOT live in the US, at least not for a long period of time. But I see myself getting tied down already and I'm not really sure if I'm ever going to really be able to get out. I've always wanted to travel, and when I finally did in 2004, it sparked something in me that I really can't ignore. So.... I think I'm going to Japan for the 2011 Spring semester.

3. I'm afraid of money. It actually scares me. Even if I have it, I'm nervous. Constantly. To the point where I can't sleep. because in my mind I will NEVER have enough. It scares the shit out of me to think that I'm never gonna pay off my debts. Ever. and I'm convinced of this. Completely. because all I ever think about is money. and how i don't have enough. Even when I do. I'm afraid to spend it, convinced that I'll never get more. Even spending a few dollars makes me nervous unless I know for sure that there's more already on the way.

I can't even keep going. No comments please.

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

random outburst. Not the first, or last, of many.

July 8th, 2009 (09:47 pm)

current location: mi casa
The Feeling of the Woods : : curious
Sounds of the Forest :: DMB - Lie in Our Graves

So I had my road test today. And I passed. I officially have a license. Now all I need is a car. Yeah, okay.

Well, anyway - I was sitting in my room last night and then the next thing I knew, I had written three and half pages in a composition notebook that had been sitting next to my bed. So I read it. And it was... interesting. It freaks me out sometimes how much I think. And the things that I think about.

So I decided to share this one. There are many others, which I will most likely share - when I can find them. They're thrown randomly around my room. Written on the backs of old assignments, scribbled on the back of receipts, on ripped pieces of paper. I try to save as many as I can, but there comes a point where I lose track of them and then find them months later... so here's this one. It starts out normal enough....

Well tomorrow's the big day. The road test. I'm nervous, but I'm not exactly sure why. It's not like I've been avoiding it... I don't think so, anyway. But who knows? Maybe deep down, I'm scared. Scared that I'll actually have some kind of responsibility. Maybe I'm more like Matthew than I realize. I just don't want to grow up. It's not that I'm afraid, necessarily, I just don't know how to go on. I don't know how to live. But maybe no one really does. Maybe everyone just lets days pass and do the best that they can. But is that really good enough? Should I just settle with being just another person? I wonder if I should try to be more, to do more. But that raises the question of the releveance of trying. Can one person ever really be more than another? Is there really any difference between any of us? I don't think that many of the questions I ask can ever really be answered. So then what exactly am I supposed to do with these questions? I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I wish there was some answers. Some truth out there that is solid, unchanging, and somewhat comforting. I'm not naive, I know that life is full of questions that cannot be answered. And that even if they can, we may not like or even understand the answers. Because life isn't fair, and I know that. But some small part of me has to hope that this will work out - in order to keep my sanity intact. And yet I find myself asking what 'sanity' even means. Another question with no solid answer. It would seem that if I continue to think in this manner, that I will soon begin to resemble the definition of the words 'insane' or 'crazy'. Although there are days that I firmly believe that I have already corssed the line between 'normal' and 'mentalliy unfit to live'. And yet I continue to live on - day by day - convinced that someday I will awake and realize that this isn't so bad. That someday I will know exactly who I am, why I'm here, and what I can do to make this thing we call 'life' better. That someday, I'll make a difference large enough to be proud of. Wishful thinking, I know. Because I know the only way to get anything done, in this useless situation we call 'life' is to do it myself, and not wait for it. I know it will never happen unless I work for it. But if I do in fact believe that there is nothing after death, why does it matter so much to me to do something defined as 'worthwhile' while I'm here? A viscious circle. That which only I have created, and I therefore am the only one who can destroy it.

I apologize if I made your head spin a bit. I'm too philosophical for my own good. It's things like this that keep me up late at night....

any thoughts?

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

(no subject)

June 12th, 2009 (05:39 pm)

it bothers me when my parents talk about my future. Like today, my dad said, "well maybe things will change in a few years, or after college." We were talking about the fact that no one is hiring for a job. Because of course the conversation started as him telling me that i need a job. The usual.

But it bothers me because I have no idea where I'll be after college, or if I'll even be talking to him. Or my mom. When they find out about what's going on, what has been going on, And the fact that there are so many things about me that they don't know. When I finally tell them everything....

who knows what will happen.

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]


April 29th, 2009 (02:03 pm)

current location: dorm room
The Feeling of the Woods : : crushed
Sounds of the Forest :: light for the deadvine - people in planes

the first thing I wanted to do for me. and it was ripped from my hands before I could even get a good hold on it.

Five Quad.


Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

shit to get / shit to do / shit to say / update

March 24th, 2009 (08:07 pm)

current location: dorm room - Cayuga 306
The Feeling of the Woods : : calm
Sounds of the Forest :: You're the Wanker, if anyone is: Say Anything

LISTCollapse )So yeah... college is going good still. This semester is a lot better with theatre and everything. Five Quad is gonna be sick and I'm living on Dutch next semester with Olyvia and Tania again in Ryckman hall which is right across the street from Five Quad. which is gonna be sick when I have to work overnight shifts. Which I plan to do a lot. And I'm joining the Sea Cadets up here cuz it's like once a month and they give me uniforms. No commitment and since I'm 19 I go in as an officer and train high school kids. I wonder if they'll ask me to change my hair to my natural color... please no. but yeah all is going well, and I'm getting paid to tutor for calculus which is cool... and Sarah came ot visit this weekend. Which was sweeeet.

Classes are going okay but because of the shows (Antigone - I was a guard. I know, I was on stage. Crazy, right? and Jesus hopped the A Train which starts soon) I kinda fell a bit behind with work but I'm doing okay. Even though I still have NO IDEA what I want to do with my life after college.... but I don't think I'm alone in that which is nice to know. I mean, Athletic Trainer is still looking really good, as is a teacher for Math or History.... but I don't think I can really go without theatre. A semester without any kind of tech work kindof sucked. And I wasn't in math, which also sucked. But as of now I think I wanna spend a semester abroad and do maybe two or three summer programs if I can scrounge up some money for them. Because the programs are pretty cheap for a decent amoutnt of credits over  the span of a month. And maybe a year of the Peace Corps ( or something like it ) after college is done. But I still don't really know yet....

and I'm planning to buy and iPod touch.. becuase there's a TED app. and Ocarina app. and I want them. now.

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

it's my birthday...

February 9th, 2009 (10:04 pm)

current location: dorm room
The Feeling of the Woods : : calm
Sounds of the Forest :: talking to Liz...

nineteen years gone and went.

who knew I would make it this far?

I can think of a few people who believed in me...

Thanks everybody for always being there for me.

I love you guys. And you most of all, my butterfly.

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

Death and All of His Friends.... listen and love

December 6th, 2008 (03:20 pm)

current location: dorm room
The Feeling of the Woods : : cold
Sounds of the Forest :: Death and All of His Friends-Coldplay

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

Coldplay - Death and All His Friends

December 6th, 2008 (03:04 pm)
current location: dorm room
Sounds of the Forest :: Death and All His Friends - Coldplay

Death And All His Friends lyrics

All winter, we got carried
Away over on the rooftops let's get married.
All summer we just hurried
so come over, just be patient, and don't worry.
So come over, just be patient, and don't worry.

So come over, just be patient, and don't worry.

And don't worry.

No I don't wanna battle from beginning to end;
I don't wanna cycle or recycle revenge;
I don't wanna follow death and all his friends.

No I don't wanna battle from beginning to end;
I don't wanna cycle or recycle revenge;
I don't wanna follow death and all of his friends.

PS- three months. <3

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

maybe it's the aderall.... too much focus?

December 3rd, 2008 (11:43 pm)

current location: Alana Daly's apartment
The Feeling of the Woods : : anxious
Sounds of the Forest :: John Mayer - clarity

Sharon Salkewicz at 8:08pm December 3
gone are the days of "lail polish" instead of "nail polish," "frickits" instead of "fix it" and "didn't lil head" instead of "Aunt Cathy"???

ouch. that hurt. I'm crying right now. and I'm going to rant. so prepare yourself. I apologize in advance.

There are so many times that I wish I could just be a kid again, I wish I could just have that ignorance and bliss of childhood. But I needed to try something different, and maybe this isn't it. But I'm trying it out, I'm trying new things. And just because I'm growing up doesn't mean that I'm necessarily distancing myself from my childhood. I don't know who I am, and I'm trying to figure it out. The pink hair was a move towards individuality, to distance myself from the norm, and it worked. I like the friends I made because of it, in high school and in college, and it helps distinguish me from others. The lip ring is just another way of expressing myself. If it doesn't work out, I'll get rid of it and move onto something else. I didn't mean to upset you by saying "get used to it", but I'm tired of people telling me what to do. My whole life, I've felt very controlled, and everything I did was judged and based on what Michael and Matthew did. I was looked at as a "bad seed" by more than a few teachers in school just because Mike was a pain in the ass, and they thought I'd be the same.

I just want to be my own person and make my own choices. I'm eighteen now and I don't want to make it sound like I'm pulling the "age card" but it's a nice sense to be out of the house and on my own. And I think that a lip ring isn't that big of a deal. At least I'm not getting into hard drugs or wasting my money away on them, like Matthew or Michael, and I made it to college. I made it here. Now I just have to make it through and move on with my life, living so people don't always ask me "are you Kircheim's little sister?" and so the cops don't look at me as "another Kircheim."

I want to be myself for a change and not just the relative of the kid who skated and did drugs and dropped out of high school. Or the little sister of the one who got into drugs and couldn't keep his grades up so he got sent home from college. But I ask myself, what if I'm not smart enough? What if I'm not good enough? What if I don't make it? What if I'm too scared to keep going? How am I going to be all that I can, if I don't even know who I am?

I have to make it. I'm the last one in this family who has the chance to actually achieve what they set out to do. I'm not sure what it is yet but I know that I don't want to be going through all different jobs or get stuck at the water company instead of doing what I want to. Yeah, there's pressure at college. But I feel like the pressure of my family is even worse. Every time they look at me I see them think "God, I hope she doesn't end up like Michael" and that thought scares me. It scares the shit out of me. The only reason I came to college was so that I would NOT end up like them. They HATE where they are, and they're depressed, and despite what Matthew says, I feel like he's going to be stuck there at the water company and worse than that, I think he's starting to be okay with it. and that's not okay with me. I want him to be happy, I want both of them to be happy. I love them both to death, but they deserve so much better.

I don't know who I am, and the thought that maybe I'll never find out is a pit less fear in my gut. People tell me "don't worry, you'll figure it out" but I'm not so sure. I don't have that kind of patience. I don't have that kind of time. Life's too short to be learning about things like Greek Mythology and Folklore. Yes, it's interesting. But it's not pertinent to what's going on in the world right now. People need to stop being so selfish and focusing on themselves so much. They need to start thinking about others and the better or mankind. This world is too big to not think about what's out there and what we could be doing instead of this.

I could be doing so much more. I could be helping people, making a difference. Instead, I'm stuck in this concrete prison, wondering if I'll even make it out of here a different person and wondering how I can make time go faster. So I waste my days away, counting the hours, watching the clock, and feeling so entirely overwhelmed by how much bigger this world is than me, and when I can finally become a part of it instead of just letting days pass me by.

I don't have that kind of time. And I'm such a coward.

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

Welcome to UAlbany.....

October 28th, 2008 (03:12 pm)

current location: dorm room
The Feeling of the Woods : : dorky
Sounds of the Forest :: Stay - DMB

It's been raining all day.

And now it's snowing.

It's not even Halloween.

I could learn to like it here.

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

some crazy-book goodness....

October 5th, 2008 (06:14 pm)

The Feeling of the Woods : : crazy

some clips from my crazy book.
which is slowly making it's way back into my daily routine.

which is not a good thing.

This is written over a few entries, so it's not necessarily still relevant....and it's much more impressive in person. there are pictures and scribblings on the sides of the pages....

just sayin'... well prepare for the balls-to-the-wall-insaneness that is this book. warning:the true anger rears it's ugly head.

just a small morsel...Collapse )
there's a taste...........

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

i got tears on her sheets....

September 30th, 2008 (12:22 pm)

current location: Sarah & Carly
The Feeling of the Woods : : confused
Sounds of the Forest :: U2-All I Want is You


puts my back up against the wall.... sunday bloody sundayCollapse )

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

this weekend was SO worth it....

September 1st, 2008 (06:47 pm)

current location: Mountain House-Living Room
The Feeling of the Woods : : intense
Sounds of the Forest :: My Stupid Mouth - John Mayer

My father does not listen when I speak. Scratch that - when anyone speaks.... except maybe the dog. And the fact that we got into a huge fight before I came home did not help. I've never hung up on him before. It felt good. College is good.

So I'll miss cousin's thanksgiving. yeah okay, no biggie.

Because coming home this weekend was well worth the money. I got to "sleep" in my own bed for a night, and then got to see the person I came home for. And she has a nicer bed than mine.

A brand new full bed.

Let's talk about this for a second.

And it was good. stayed up late, woke up late, went to Uncle Tommy's, ate good food, played with a cute baby (shut it, woman), and got to go kayaking. Which was nice.
Then headed back to the house, read to Liz until she fell asleep (and then read some more *smiles*)
and then stayed up late again - I sang with John for the smile I was looking for. and my neck hurts.

and then had to get up early (as if I actually slept) so that everything could be packed to be taken up and dropped off. Including me. We said our goodbye - which was short but good and saved time - and then I was left alone in my house.

Which was also nice.

I wrote, ate, took a shower, fixed my webcam (yes we can Skype now) and wrote some more. Now I have a train from here to Penn station at 8:06 so I can be there by 8:50ish. My Amtrak train leaves Penn at 9:20 so I'm sure I'll have time to get something to eat.... mmmm grimy pizza at Penn....sounds good.

So I have to go finish packing my shit because my train is in about an hour....

oh yeah, and thanks to the same certain someone, my hair is pink again......

"Yes, I love you. You're amazing. Let's have sex."

......SO worth it.....

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

so it's been awhile...

August 29th, 2008 (12:06 pm)

current location: Indian-Cayuga 306
The Feeling of the Woods : : content
Sounds of the Forest :: John Mayer - my stupid mouth

Well I didn't make the soccer team. And I've been up at school for a week. WOO UALBANY!!!... i guess...

So anyway, I'm up here and my classes are going to be harder than I thought... mostly because they're really not about things I like to learn about and read about until 2am. But I guess freshman year isnt supposed to be the most interesting.

So... college. I made it. I'm in my dorm room, blasting John Mayer and texting the butterfly.

and i'm going home later today for the Labor Day weekend. I dont care if my parents dont want me to, I want to see her room, and her, and get my soccer ball.

SO what if it's only a week after I came up here? It's not like I'm coming home because I miss them, or my house. It's because I have things to do, people to see.

Not including my parents. My dad kepot giving me shit abou coming home but whatever. I'll come home if I want to.

Shit I have to read for Greek mythology and class is in 20 minutes.

:-/ ... i'm off to a good start, I promise.

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

this is disappointing...

August 6th, 2008 (12:01 pm)
pissed off

current location: Colonial Quad-Morris Hall
The Feeling of the Woods : : pissed off
Sounds of the Forest :: none....sadly

i think i'm going to make this team.

i dont want to be stuck up here.

I really don't.

I was supposed to go camping, and visit people (you know who you are) and have more than a week to pack all of my shit.

7-9AM and 3-5PM everyday.

Don't get me wrong, It's fun, but is this what I want?
who knows. 

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

have you ever cried so hard that your hands hurt?

August 3rd, 2008 (02:30 am)

current location: spare room
The Feeling of the Woods : : anxious
Sounds of the Forest :: John Mayer-Comfortable

 so. it's been awhile.

Let me sum up.

I leave for soccer tryouts on tuesday. If I make the team, I have to stay up there for pre-season. Part of me doesnt want to go - at all. For the fear that I actually might make it. it's division one.

can I handle that? shit. I dont know. I really don't.

And the fact that whenever I talk about it, people just say things like "well it's not like you're coming back" or "you'll definately make it" is starting to get on my nerves.

If I make it, that's great. But I really don't understand where this pitless faith that everyone has in me is coming from. 

Maybe it's been there the whole time and I just haen't seen it. 
wow. that might be it.
maybe I'm just a big idiot who doesn't pay attention to shit like that.

I got a new notebook, as a gift. ~ along with fish and incense.

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

i have a caterpillar on my hand right now...

July 7th, 2008 (03:03 pm)

current location: living room
The Feeling of the Woods : : creative
Sounds of the Forest :: the hills of ireland - boondock saints

so I'm sitting in my living room and I'm writing. 

I'm sure that there are other things I should be doing. like cleaning my room, getting on a train to Hampton Bays, or something along those lines. 

But I'm here, on my laptop, sitting on the big red comfy couch and writing while a caterpillar rests on my pointer finger of my left hand.

and it's wonderful.  

The past few weeks have been awesome. 

From prom to graduation, my party, Sarah being at my party, new phone (which is still acting up a bit), charlie getting into the NYPD academy, pong in my backyard, Kelly's party, sleeping at Lana's - yummy funfetti cookies, and making money at work.

the only part that totally sucked was that my parents came home saturday night instead of sunday afternoon and Joe was supposed to come over. but its no big deal....

and now the caterpillar is on my right hand resting on my knuckles. hehe  love it

so I'm going to go write more now.

PS- mom and I got into a fight today about me spending money that I have. She told me it's "out of my budget" even though I have the money.

The item is perfect. I can't let it go. I need to figure out a way to get it.

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

this party will be the death of me....

June 23rd, 2008 (02:59 pm)

current location: snuck away for 2 seconds
The Feeling of the Woods : : annoyed
Sounds of the Forest :: magorium

I'd better not be doing all of this work for nothing....

at least the new washer is installed...

and now I must go clean more.

god help me.

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

Relay Bitches

June 1st, 2008 (04:08 pm)

current location: desk
The Feeling of the Woods : : chillen
Sounds of the Forest :: John Williams: JFK - Prologue

the more people tell me not to do it the more I want to... haven't they learned that by now?
fucking college.
More on that later....

So Relay for Life was last night. Third one for Lynbrook. Third one that I was running around at like a chicken with it's head cut off. I had a key to the cashbox. I felt special for like, a second. I verbally abused fellow High Schoolers for playing "soda pong" at a cancer event. I felt great for like a minute. I didn't lose my temper after that even though Eli was making jokes about personal shit. I was proud for like the whole night.

It was pretty good. People don't sleep, they get cranky, and I'm left to deal with it. At least I didn't punch anyone... I was close, though.

So from noon yesterday up until 7 this morning I was at South Middle School, running the store, helping annoying kids paint ceramics, giving out free bananas, breaking up fights, or walking around the track for cancer. It wasn't that bad...... okay, fine. I love it. It's amazing. Even though I hate people, there's something about watching an entire community come together for a cause. It's... awesome.

Speaking of teamwork, I had to make my college course schedule today (yay..?) and there was a question that asked if I wanted to join ROTC.... and it stopped me dead in my tracks. First of all, I didn't know SUNY Albany even had ROTC. 

Mom was like... "well, I can't really stop you from going..." even though when Dad and I brought it up in October she wouldn't even listen to us. But everyone has that thing inside of them that gets them pumped up. For me, it's always been soccer. But ever since I was in fourth grade and I started learning about the armed forces, it's been inside, waiting.  But now, whenever I think about the forces at all.... I could do a full workout and run miles. Maybe it's nothing.... but I know that if I don't do something about it, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

Who knows, maybe I'll hate it.....

But I doubt it.

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

jaw pains and IV fluids.... a good day

May 28th, 2008 (10:45 pm)
Tags: , , ,

current location: bedroom
The Feeling of the Woods : : thirsty
Sounds of the Forest :: Goo Goo Dolls : Sympathy

I had my first "meal" since monday afternoon about three hours ago. After the parade (GO MARCHING BAND!.... right.) my jaw started to bother me but i put it off, thinking it was nothing. throughout the day it got worse. and that night was a bitch to sleep. 
The more I think about it, the more I believe that I had a nightmare the night before the parade and was most likely grinding my teeth all night. thus, causing jaw pain. so my TMJ is bugging the fuck out. MY jaw is locked in place, and it's a bitch to open or close my mouth. leading to the problem of eating. even if i do manage to get food into my mouth through the small space between my top and bottom rows of teeth, chewing is an ordeal. I was basically on water (which I didnt really drink anyway - bad idea) and wasn't eating. and my jaw pain just got worse. 
so I wake up tuesday morning wincing, tears behind my eyes threatening. As you can hopefull realize, my jaw hurt. all day was full of wincing, and a mix of aleve and tylenol.
Today I wake up, and the pain isn't that bad. then i realize that it's only because of the position i'm laying in. I sit up, and the pain is ok. I stand up, and the blood rusehs to my head, and the pain, and it hurt. pretty bad.
So after a school day full of trying not to talk too much but having to talk more in order to explain why im not talking (i hate people), i went to the healthcare place across the street from my house (basically) and tell him what's going on.

Dr. Kim: so you can't chew at all?
Me: nope. it sucks
Kim: I would imagine so.... when was the last time you ate?
Me: *pondering face*
Kim: that's not a good face.... give me your arm, i'm giving you an IV. how bad does it hurt?
Me: I have a pretty good pain threshold, but this fucking hurts.
Kim: yeah... let's give you some pain killer while we're here. 

double IV's... good stuff. I sat for 15-20 minutes on IV's and then finally got out of there. the vein on my arm wasn't cooperating so the IV's had to go into my hands. he told me that if the pain gets any worse i should "come in right away". the usual bullshit. but he said if I don't get a night guard soon (helps to stop teeth clenching while sleeping) I could tear the tendons in my jaw and need major surgery.
So I guess I should get on that.

Apparently on Monday mornings they have pain killer injections and he said I could go and get one if i wanted to. they sound pretty badass...

talking to Sarah on the phone right now and laughing hurts. 

yeah... ow.

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]


May 2nd, 2008 (11:26 pm)

current location: my bedroom
The Feeling of the Woods : : stressed
Sounds of the Forest :: Concerto in C minor stuck in my head

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

ok guys - fucking relax yourselves

March 30th, 2008 (11:07 pm)

current location: bedroom
The Feeling of the Woods : : aggravated
Sounds of the Forest :: FF VII: AC menu


i fucking hate drama.

and i fucking hate high school.

this is one of those times where I hate the fact that I'm friends with everyone, because now I'm stuck in the middle of this shit. like, way stuck - way in the middle.



Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

oh what a night

March 29th, 2008 (03:33 am)

current location: bedroom
The Feeling of the Woods : : shut down
Sounds of the Forest :: The Starting Line - 21 (stuck in my head)

"Oh, what a night,
Hypnotizing, mesmerizing me.
She was everything I dreamed she'd be.
Sweet surrender, what a night!"

A small part of me is genuinely upset.

and I was ready to fight a bear.....

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

Mental note

March 23rd, 2008 (12:18 pm)

current location: bedroom
The Feeling of the Woods : : content
Sounds of the Forest :: Crash into me: Dave Matthews

He writes a mental note.

You hate me.
You're going to punch me in the head multiple times.
I'm a bitch, because you're the jerk.
You want to kill me.
You never want to see me again.
I'm the lamest person you know.
You hate me.

He knows he forgot something....but can't remember. 

Because he's the most forgetful person she's ever met. 

He wonders where the magnet is right now.

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

an unlikely surprise

March 18th, 2008 (09:44 pm)

current location: bedroom
The Feeling of the Woods : : crushed
Sounds of the Forest :: August Rush

Mikayla just called me. 


she's watching American Idol.

well, that was interesting.

damn it.

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

I thought this was interesting...

March 11th, 2008 (04:30 pm)

current location: bedroom
The Feeling of the Woods : : devious
Sounds of the Forest :: Under Pressure - David Bowie


Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

"Not all tears are an evil."

March 9th, 2008 (05:37 pm)

current location: bedroom
The Feeling of the Woods : : drained
Sounds of the Forest :: Enya - Anarion

i am now sitting in my room, watching lord of the rings.....

with my mother right next to me.

and i know almost every line to every one of these 3 hour movies.

i am a fucking loser.
but i love it.   hehe

and i totally lost my other LJ account so i'm now down to 15 userpics. boo.

  [ Liam and Renji are taking over ]

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

it's called a rampage - learn to love it

February 18th, 2008 (11:46 pm)

current location: desk in my bedroom
The Feeling of the Woods : : drained
Sounds of the Forest :: Magnificent Seven

So I'm watching Magnificent Seven right now. Sometimes I forget just how much I miss this movie. *sigh*

My room has been rampaged. And today was only the beginning. I can't wait to get more of this shit out of here. 4 garbage bags. FOUR!
love it.

So it still needs work but stuff has been moved around - thank god. yay right brained kids!

Then mom and I took Roan to the park. I <3 him so much. He's so cute!!

Then I rampaged a little more and then Jess came over and we watched Cool Hand Luke. Paul Newman = love.

Going to see Sarah on Wednesday... SWEET - lunar eclipse? w00t!  ::HOWL::

and i've been wearing this mask for the past few days... it needs some work but I'll have a real one soon. hehe

Ok here comes Yule Brenner.

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

okay that's cool too

February 17th, 2008 (10:51 pm)

current location: bedroom
The Feeling of the Woods : : confused
Sounds of the Forest :: Cobra Starship - Guilty Pleasure

she says she's too stressed for a relationship right now...

um. ok?

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

Like a lily among the thorns...

February 12th, 2008 (08:37 pm)

current location: bedroom
The Feeling of the Woods : : hopeful
Sounds of the Forest :: Cliffs of Dover

DEAGLE411 (8:30:58 PM): yes! if you go out we can double date XD

 there are just some days that everything works out nicely.

I need more of these....

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

i hate it when plans fall through...

February 12th, 2008 (08:03 am)
Tags: , , , ,

current location: bedroom
The Feeling of the Woods : : sick
Sounds of the Forest :: none

 So i was supposed to go to Maine on Saturday and come home monday. This has been planned for almost 3 weeks. I've already looked up bus tickets from the city to boston and Shawn said he'd pick me up in Boston. My mom had said "that sounds great, I can drop you off in the city and pick you up when you come back" I had said "thanks that'd be good."


Then mom was like "ask dad if it's ok to leave on his birthday" and I went to go ask him and he said "where are you going? I don't even know what you're talking about." I held control of myself and told him that I knew I was going, it was just a matter of when I left. He said "Fine, whatever I'll talk to mom." I knew I shouldn't ignore that last part, but I did. 

Later on last night, I came upstairs to find them talking about me. What a surprise. Dad was asking "are you okay with her taking the bus up there by herself?" and mom said "I'm not sure."

WTF?! NOT SURE?! where was I when she realized that she wasnt sure!?!! becuase I remember, CLEARLY, that she was supportive of this. And she had said it was a good idea and everything was peachy-keen. But now, 4 days before i'd be leaving, they "aren't sure"... and then they were like "we'd like you to not go alone." And they asked Mike if he wants to go. 

Now, if I had to pick one person to go with me right now, it'd be Mike. becuase as soon as he gets up there, he'll meet up with PJ and I won't see him until we're leaving to go back home. ANd I'm completely fine with that. Because I won't have to keep him entertained in any way at all. SO I can just lounge around the house, or run errands with Peg and Shawn. I don't care. THat's what I want to do. my parents just can't seem to grasp that. I need to get away. I need to go up there to that perfect little house, with Peg and Shawn because they're amazing, and I need to relax for a few days.

And then my mom was like "i'll call them" and she has Peg on the phone. "Do you want to go March 1st?" she asks me, "they're having a party and everyone will be there. It's the day after Peg's bday."

I look at her, as pleasantly as I can manage, and say "I'll go both" and turn my head to keep watching TV. She forces a laugh because Peg expects that, and goes on talking. I still don't know if I can even go this weekend.

This really sucks.

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

happy bday to me!

February 9th, 2008 (02:42 am)

wow i wasn't going to post this but.... it was too amazing to not....

not even 3 hours being 18 and i get a nosebleed. At least I haven't fainted.........................yet.

God help me if I faint because Christopher Runell, I will hurt you.

can you feel that pull?

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

can I swtich?

February 7th, 2008 (12:45 am)

Sometimes I wish I could trade.

Trade my gift for someone else's. Music is great, don't get me wrong. But sometimes, like right now, I wish I could have a gift that would help me become a great success someday. 

Like mathematics. 

I see music in everything. Even math. But sometimes I wish I could see math in everything. An equation in every aspect of everything. 

John is a genius. He inspires me to no end.

But I just can't seem to act on that inspiration at the right times. 

My breakdowns consist of scribbling equations on anything I can get. Napkins, paper, my hands.... anything.

I want pencils that write on windows. 

I want to be like John. I...I just feel like I'm too stupid to even compare myself to him.

I saw that movie when it came out and I've been secretly in love with it. 

I want to be smart. I want to create something. I want to make a difference.


Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

(no subject)

February 6th, 2008 (05:58 pm)

lonilness is one of the most terrifying feelings in the world. 

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

slowly... one beat at a time

February 4th, 2008 (04:27 pm)

current location: bedroom
The Feeling of the Woods : : content
Sounds of the Forest :: August's Rhapsody

ever since Brandon lost Ian's aviators... my music was gone. 

just... gone.

but it's ben almost 2 weeks since then and i can feel it. Pulsing, deep below the surface, slowly waking up. coming back to life. 

it's amazing. It's like it's being reborn. better than before. 

English class is my favorite. we sit on opposite sides of the room, desks facing each other, the middle completelt bare. And one day I looked across to see the shade open, and I watched. I watched and waited. It was before all of this with Brandon when I realized that english would be my favorite. 

and slowly... note by note, the music really came to life. the trains are good but the birds are my favorite. Strings in harmonies, or lonely calls from woodwinds... it really is something beautiful.

It makes me miss school.... well, english at least.That one window that lets me escape from here. Escape to somewhere where only I can go.  And they way my teacher looks at me when i turn to her, smiling because i just heard a song not yet known to mankind. She knows, and she never asks about it. She just watches me as i watch out the window, feet and fingers tapping away to a beat no one else can hear but me.

I'm just so glad it's finally coming back

oh yeah... then there's gymnastics on thursdays. Which is totally bitchin' and I can't wait to go again. 

oh man. so good. this session goes until March and then there's another until June. But I might be in 2 classes for the next session. Because once a week just isn't enough.

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

I want to be so angry at you.... I really do - but i can't stop crying...

January 29th, 2008 (07:59 pm)

current location: bedroom
The Feeling of the Woods : : crappy
Sounds of the Forest :: Instruemental - Ian's CD <3

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

It will be a Gaelic name - if it's the last thing I do...

January 20th, 2008 (01:57 am)

current location: bedroom
The Feeling of the Woods : : cheerful
Sounds of the Forest :: Broken Heart - Motion City Soundtrack


Name: (workin on it)
Gender: Male
Adopted: January 19th, 2008
Age at adoption: 10-12 weeks

Suggested Birthday: Nov 19th
(that was Ian's birthday... so crazy)


it's scary how much he looks like Jake... 

We fell for a female too but they wouldn't let us take both.... bastards... she was so cute

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

never watch CNN for more than 5 hours at a time...

January 8th, 2008 (12:55 am)

current location: new room - hee hee
The Feeling of the Woods : : tired
Sounds of the Forest :: Larry King Live

I'm such an Anderson Cooper worshipper at this point...

we've been called groupies... hahaha he is UHMAYZING

I love Anderson Cooper 

and Larry King is a jerk

PS- I have a non-sexual crush on Alexander Hamilton

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

i'm allowed to bitch once in awhile...

January 6th, 2008 (09:51 pm)
current location: big chair in the living room
Sounds of the Forest :: Sharon and mom talking in the kitchen

Hold my hand and never let go. [userpic]

the burning question....

January 3rd, 2008 (09:08 pm)

current location: my broken bed
The Feeling of the Woods : : contemplative
Sounds of the Forest :: August's Rhapsody

"You can ask yourself, 'hey, what have I done?'..."

i was talking to a friend today and I couldnt help but rant about how different everything will be  when high school is over. And about how I'm going to finally be able to concentrate on myself instead of everyone else. Okay, im 17 and I'm trapped. I understand that... but after this.... it's all about what we do next. And as I was ranting, I head things coming out of my mouth that I couldn't even stop... it all just poured out.. and suddenly i said something that actually made sense, and hit me.

"I always ask myself, what am I doing now? Because saying that you're going to do something, and actually doing it are completely different. If you want to do something, you need to stop thinking about what the consquences will be, and just do it. Because tomorrow won't always be there and it's not about what we're going to do in the future, it's about what we;re doing today to get us there."

or something along those lines...

So I sit here and think about everything that I want to do in the future, but I'm not doing anything about it....

So it's time to start. Because as JFK said, "If not now, when?"

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